What kind of questions should i ask, i dont know. I would find out a few things but they are unimportant considering that whatever is important I dont know how to ask in words. It is perhaps a sort of a solace that I elicited some response, trifling it may be. Finding order in this chaos is such a favorite pastime of mine, more so because i am not scared with what I might end up finding. I have always been frightened of answers, those with which I wont know what to do with. The more I think, the more I understand that life was merely an outcome of being or not being at some place, some time. Choices..yes I made many, and reneged on most. I dont know if I am a failure, I dont know if it matters to me. To let your thoughts dictate and define is an unsavory business. On the contrary instincts are transient, guilt is short lived. I am really amused at people bent on taking credit for how their life turned out, they rationalize random outcomes. This makes it impossible for them to think of their existence as disjointed from the world around. Of a sudden I have too much time at my hands to ponder over these blasted trivialities. Sometimes listeneing to these people I get conned into believing of a responsibility towards the world around me..people..and that I fail unerringly to that end. Cant I continue being the insolent dick I have always been. Heck! I feel the guilt already.
bollocks!!
Where does the problem lies I wonder. Do I wish to be a parasite or just that I dont want to be confined to definitions. They expect me to accomplish things. Sometimes small and sometimes ridiculously out of proportion. If I have done certain things do I have to keep doing them. I chuckle, wonder but mostly end up feeling worse. Being taken for granted is such a rot, it is impossible to live upto it. If at all it is an error on their part rather then my failure. To do something when nobody expects you to, thats something. I am rambling crazy, again. I know. :)
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